Good evening friends!
I had a different idea for this post but I felt I needed to change the flow and rant a little. Anyway, if you could not tell by the title, I made AJ cry. The look on his face was one I NEVER want to see again. Well, I do not want to be the one causing it.
This week, I have been on such an emotional roller coaster, and yesterday, I snapped. Yesterday, on top of the feelings of overwhelm and stress, my sweet baby boy would NOT stop crying. He cried in the car, in my arms, and it even seemed like he was crying in his sleep.
I got to the point where i just yelled,”What is wrong with you?!” Friends, in this moment, I felt like the WORSE mother. How could I yell at my baby, when he was just being a baby. I, instantly, picked him up and tried to comfort him. I had to have been loud, because my dad (we, currently, live with my parents) called me from the basement and my husband came to my rescue.
One minute, all I needed was a minute. A minute seemed so unrealistic in my life at this point. Stressed was an understatement. Hubby grabbed the baby, and sent me to go pick up our dog from the vet. His words were, “take your time, go slow, we will talk when you get home.” At this point tears are falling, and I just could not STOP them.
I sat in the car, and cried, and prayed, and cried some more. I tried to pull off but just stopped at the end of our block. I screamed, “Lord, I need your help.” In this moment, I felt the need to write. After starting therapy, again, I started carrying my journal around with me.
I asked God to:
Release the negativity and the bad thoughts. Release the annoyance I felt towards friends and family. Release the doubt I was feeling about motherhood and wifehood. Release the burden of pleasing others. Just a release. Release the need of acceptance. Release my insecurities. Release the hurt I was feeling. Just Release. And a minute to just breathe.
All week I have been relying on the support of my husband, cousins, and best-friend. God put them in the right place at the right time. Not only did he put the right people in my space yesterday, today, I GOT A NAP. A real nap. This was big. I feel clear and free of some of the stress I felt this week, and it is time to move forward.
So I end this post to say, stop pouring from empty glasses. Take care of yourself. Have someone you can check in with. Put on your mask first, then save others!
Love y’all and thanks for reading!
Talk to you soon,